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A Clerks-Type Morning, With Better Coffee
Clerks
Dante is behind the counter, which immediately feels wrong to him.
Not because he hates coffee. Because he hates being here.
"I wasn't supposed to be on bar today," he says, steaming milk he absolutely didn't volunteer to steam.
Randall, already annoyed and somehow energized by it, leans against the espresso machine. "You're always not supposed to be somewhere. Yet here you are. Again."
A customer steps up.
"I'll take a Mooby Morning."
Maple. Brown sugar. Latte. Easy. Corporate comfort in a cup. Dante makes it without thinking, which bothers him almost as much as being here.
Jay and Silent Bob are hovering near the pickup counter like they live there. Jay is talking. A lot. About nothing useful. Silent Bob is quietly sipping a honey vanilla matcha, observing the entire operation like he's cataloging humanity.
Another customer.
"Dirty Dante."
Randall smirks. "See? They named one after you. That's legacy."
Spiced chai. Brown sugar. Extra espresso. Dante pauses mid-pour.
"Why does it need extra espresso?"
Randall shrugs. "Because denial only works for so long."
The drink slides out.
A third customer is already impatient. "Quick Stop Energy."
Pink lotus. Cherry. Vanilla. Shimmer. Randall watches it come together like it's a bad idea forming in real time.
"That drink feels illegal," he says.
Jay nods enthusiastically. "I'd drink two."
In the corner, someone quietly orders The Last Cup—lavender honey cold brew with cream. No commentary. No eye contact. The kind of order that says don't ask.
Things are moving. Too smoothly.
That's when Randall reaches into the fridge for milk—and stops.
"Hold up."
Dante groans. "What now?"
Randall pulls the jug out, squints at the date, then checks another one. Then another.
"You know," he says, "Kevin's mom would shut this place down if she saw this."
Jay perks up. "Facts. She checks everything."
Dante sighs and starts rotating milk cartons. "Why do I feel like she's watching?"
Silent Bob gives a slow, knowing nod.
From the line: "Uh… I'm here for the Mocha Mallow 37!"
The shop freezes.
Randall turns. "Thirty-seven?"
Dante looks at the cup. "Why is it thirty-seven?"
Nobody answers.
Jay starts to say something. Stops himself. Tries again. Stops again.
Silent Bob raises an eyebrow.
Randall leans in. "You don't want to know. But now you're gonna think about it all day."
The drink hits the counter—dark mocha, toasted marshmallow syrup, cold foam stacked high, cocoa dusted like it's proud of the chaos it caused.
The customer takes it. "Looks great."
Dante watches them walk away. "I hate that number."
Randall grins. "Yeah. It'll do that."
The door opens. Another customer steps in. The line keeps moving. Nobody learns anything.
This is winter turning into spring. This is the current lineup. This is what's showing now at The Sour Boule.
(This story is a lighthearted homage inspired by the films and characters of Kevin Smith's View Askew universe. No affiliation, endorsement, or official connection is intended.)